I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
