i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
