pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
