Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Actions speak louder than pants.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
