there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
