I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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