So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
