If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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