my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
