have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
