She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
