The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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