i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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