dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
