he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
