Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
