I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
