then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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