Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
