After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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