can we get nightvision for the apartment?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
