I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
