Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
