is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
