Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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