In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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