I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
