hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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