Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
