she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How external is "for external use only"?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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