Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
