Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
