The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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