I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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