Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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