Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You're so nebulous sometimes
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
