go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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