Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
