I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
