Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
