After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
