i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
