So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I skipped work to stalk him.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
