The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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