I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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