Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
