I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
