He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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