i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
