Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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